I admire people with high standards to which they hold themselves and oftentimes others.  It has been my experience that more than a few people do not demand very much from themselves and consequently never rise to the leadership proficiency to which they might.

As true as all that is, it has also been my experience that those same people who hold themselves and others to high standards can oftentimes be blind to the realities around them or struggle deeply with the incongruity of their “should’s/ought to’s” as they run up against the realities in the world around them.

In order to relieve the tension, the initial temptation to lower their standards is more often than not repugnant to them – feeling much to the individual like “giving up” or “quitting” (neither of which are desirable qualities).

Rather the mature leader appreciates the process illustrated by this poster.  Moving from left to right . . . without lowering their standards, the wise leader allows the realities of their world to shape their expectations of themselves, others, and the world around them.

In addition, the mature leader realizes that learning to manage his/her realities might indeed be a more realistic strategy as opposed to changing them particularly when those realities are outside of the leader’s own sphere of influence.

Confusing to this process is the second column on the chart.  Here the other person (or organization) puts forward their own should’s/ideals – falsely portraying themselves as exemplifying those ideals and further clouding the reality of the situation.  Typically the words of the individual or organization in column two are inconsistent with the behaviors of the individual or organization observed as reality in column three.  The resultant confusion from this incongruity may continue for a substantial period of time.  In fact the inability to reconcile columns two and three might cause the relationship with the individual or organization to dissolve at this point without moving into column 4.

Being only human with all the limitations such a designation implies, many times the leader can adjust their expectations to the world in which s/he lives and sometimes s/he can’t.  Sometimes the leader can change his/her world and sometimes s/he has to change worlds – moving to a different environment in which s/he can more consistently contribute value.

Although this post has been written rather clinically, the process oftentimes is quite emotionally intense – exhibiting many times the classic stages of grief as a sense of loss surrounds the often times long held column 1 list of personal ideals and hopes.

In fact I’m tempted to tip the entire four-column chart so the top of the chart is severely angled to more accurately depict the movement from the far left column to the far right column as the steep uphill climb that it is.

Categories: Conflict Management, Empathy, Learning, Planning, Response To Change