The classic example of a double bind is the question: “Have you stopped beating your spouse yet?”  There is no answer in which you will be in good standing with the person who asked that question.  It truly is a no-win question.

Double-bind questions usually begin with one of three words:  “Don’t” (ex.  “Don’t you care that we get that deal?”); “Can’t” (ex. “Can’t you even do one thing for the team?”); or “Why” (ex. “Why do you want to sabotage your team?”).

A slight variation would be using the word “If” to begin the question (ex. “If you really cared about the team, you would . . .”).

Double-binds can also take the form of statements (i.e. “After all this company has done for you, this is the least you could do.”).

In order to escape double-binds never respond directly to the statement or question.  Instead respond with a positive statement that is on the same topic (or close to the same topic) as the question or statement.

Question: “Don’t you want to succeed?”

Response: “I really like it when I am productive.”

Question: “Don’t you care about your family?”

Response: “I really like it when we are all together.”

Question: “Can’t you ever do anything right?”

Response: “I really like it when things work out.”

Here are some sentence stems you can use to make responses:

“I really like it ….”

“I enjoy ….”

“It feels good to ….”

“I prefer it when ….”

‘It is nice when ….”

It is quite possible, and even likely in some cases, that they will attack your first positive statement with either another double-bind or a direct question. For instance, they may ask “What is that supposed to mean?” At that point, you just say the same thing with different words: you paraphrase what you just said.

For example:

Question: “Can’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?”

Response: “It really is good to share feelings with others.”

Question: “What is that supposed to mean?”

Response: “I enjoy the good company of others.”

In delivering the above responses, do not appear too or overly positive in your responses. The other person might attack that. While they are talking show a little below neutral mood or affect. While you are responding show a little above neutral mood or affect.

The ultimate goal is to give the other person little or nothing externally to fight against – leaving with only their own negativity.

Thank you to Kevin MauriceFitz for bringing this dysfunctional form of communication and its antidotes to my attention.

Categories: Communications, Conflict Management