David Sandler in his book You Can’t Teach A Kid To Ride A Bike At A Seminar states it well when he says, “When under attack, fall back.”

The tendency with any human being is to protect oneself by going on the defensive when we feel attacked by another person.  Wisely, David Sandler encourages the opposite.  Interestingly enough the book of Proverbs from the ancient text of the Bible says it this way: “A soft answer turns away wrath.”

For me the words “I”m sorry . . . ” are now instinctively the first words out of my mouth when being attacked.  Those words might then be followed with “. . . I failed to communicate clearly what I meant” or “. . . I didn’t mean to imply that . . . ” or “. . . I must have not stated what I meant.”  Whatever the response, please notice that the first word after the “I’m sorry” opening is the word “I.”  I try to remember to never use “you” as that word will only continue to exacerbate the situation.

In this “fall back” response, you will not be tempted to deal with the person’s secondary emotion of anger but rather go right to the source of dealing with their underlying fear or hurt.  Wise leaders understand that dealing with the source of anger always leads to better results than succumbing to the temptation of returning anger for anger.

Categories: Conflict Management

Tags: conflict