I would like to identify this as the most important poster in this series. However, if it’s not the most important, it is among the top two or three.
Role is what you do. Identity is who you are. You’ll see below each of those columns a thermometer-type vertical axis with numbers between zero and 100. On any given day in my role, I can feel like I’m performing at zero or I can feel like I’m performing at 100.
On any given day in my identity, I can feel like zero about who I am or I can feel like 100 about who I am. Unfortunately, many people go through life with no line down the middle. They do not separate who they are from what they do.
I want you to pause for a moment and think about the problems that occur when not separating who you are from what you do. On any given day, as you do better in your role, you feel better about yourself. On any given day, as you do worse in your role, you feel worse about yourself.
You are on a roller coaster of feelings about yourself based on your performance. You’re constantly driven to keep the line up on the right side so that you can feel good about yourself. But it’s all performance-based.
I noticed this with my dad. I don’t know if he ever had a line down the middle. In the later years of his life, he had Parkinson’s. If I had come up to him and said, “How do you feel about yourself, Dad?” He would have said, “I don’t feel very good about myself. I can’t do what I used to be able to do. If someone came to hurt your mom, I couldn’t protect her. I don’t provide for you and the family like I used to either.” And I would have said, “Dad, that’s what you do. You’re still very valuable as a person (who you are).”
I’m not sure if he ever had that line there. My hope for you is that you do have that line. Let me go on to explain some of the problems that happen with you as a leader if you don’t have that line.
If you look at the left side, you’ll see, “Here’s how I feel about myself from zero to 100.” On any given day let’s say I function at 60. That’s my sense of “okayness” about myself. I feel okay about myself at about a 60.
The gap between 60 and 100 is what we call our “ego needs.” So, I need to get myself feeling better about myself by about 40 points every day. Have you ever met someone that you identified as having a big ego? A person who’s all about himself/herself. They have to talk about himself/herself. They always make the conversation come back to them. They probably have large ego needs as opposed to a big ego. They might have been functioning even in the 40s in terms of feelings about themselves.
And so, we erroneously use the term, “They have a big ego,” when actually, they just have a large set of ego needs. So they try to fill those ego needs with their performance. Well, on some days they will get closer than others.
Here’s what I know about that left line. I can’t let it get below 20. That’s an arbitrary number, but for the sake of discussion, let’s say 20. I can’t let it get below 20, because when I start feeling that poorly about myself, thoughts of suicide come in. I start thinking things like, “I’d be better off.” “The world would be better off.” “The people around me would be better off if I got out of here.” “I’m too much trouble for what I’m worth.”
I can’t let myself go there. Consequently, I find myself having to keep the thermometer higher than 20. If I don’t have a line between my identity and my role, and someone comes to me with feedback, it passes right by my role and shoots straight into my identity. I feel like they’re trying to drag me down as a person, and I inevitably become defensive.
Defensive people tend to be people with a very low score on the left side of this chart. When you give them any feedback they can’t keep it on the right side, which is where it belongs. You’re just telling them about their role, but it goes straight to the left side and defensiveness occurs.
A leader who is defensive is really difficult to follow, because they aren’t open to feedback. They aren’t open to input from their followers. So, they become quite dictatorial in their insecure leadership style.
Now, do the left and the right columns on this poster affect each other? I think they do, even with the line in place. I tend to perform on the right in keeping with the level that I feel on the left. So, let’s say, I have a really great day. Since I work so much with salespeople let’s say I make a big sale and I come home at night. I’m taking my socks off on the edge of the bed. And I say to myself, “Wow! That was great to get that sale. I’m good. But I’m not that good.”
And the next day, I’ll begin to function back around that 60 line. So, I tend to function on the right how I feel about myself on the left. And it’s really difficult to perform higher and stay higher than how I feel about myself on the left. You might notice two other words on that chart (i.e. shame and guilt).
I think it’s important to make a quick distinction. When I perform poorly or I do something that I know to be wrong, I feel guilt. I made a mistake. We all have those feelings. Shame is significantly different. Guilt is “I made a mistake.” Shame is “I am a mistake.”
My worthiness of being loved comes into question when the left side gets low. So, the natural question is, “How do I keep the score on the left side of this chart high?” Well, some find that their faith does that. If they believe in a God who loves them for who they are, they already have a foundation on which they build.
Some find that it’s keeping a balance in their life. Some may try to get too much out of work. Or they try to get too much out of a relationship – trying to get their identity to come up to a 100. It can’t. It’s the balance of life in which we find ourselves most refreshed on the left side of the equation.
When I get home after a day of work, and my grandchildren are so excited to see me when I walk through the door; it helps balance whatever happened at work that day. But if I don’t have social interactions, if I don’t have other outlets besides work; then I try to get my whole sense of self worth, my whole sense of worthiness of being loved, from work. Work can’t deliver.
The key point to understand from this poster is that you need to have a line down the middle. When I work with managers and manager training – talking to them about their performance reviews with their direct reports; I encourage them to actually take out a piece of paper. Draw a line. Draw this two-column chart. Talk about the fact that what you’re about to say has nothing to do with the person’s value as an individual, the person’s value as a human being.
You’re going to be speaking to the right side of this two-column chart. In fact, hand them the paper and ask them to take notes on the right side of the chart. And then, when it’s over, ask them how they’re feeling. I believe it’s a manager’s job to protect the identity of their direct reports. Protect the identity and coach to the role.
Magic Club Leadership Resources 